Need

Well, I’ve eaten crow.

Not really, since I’m not sure if it is Whole30-approved. Although, it might be. Hmmmm…

I’m that mom. Yeah, the one who looks like she has it all together, but is really a mess.

You see, since I became a mom, I’ve had it pretty easy. I was blessed with ornery, but good-sleeping, healthy, fairly-good-eating (even though they’ve all had major picky stages), thoughtful kids.

Then my son comes into the picture and my life does a 180. Even from the early stages of pregnancy, this boy has made sure to set himself apart from everyone, especially his sisters. From giving me the worst morning sickness and overall exhaustion, to worrying us sick over the valve in his kidney not wanting to close, he’s run the gamut of emotions in me. All of this on top of my worry about having a son. “I don’t know anything about boys!” I would say to myself. “Does God have any idea what He’s doing?”

And then Cam was born. And I felt love like I had never felt before. The emotions of having a son overwhelmed me, but in a good and amazing way. Having a son isn’t better than having daughters, but it sure is different. And Cam and I clicked from the very beginning.

These days, my almost 6-month-old is still very attached to his momma; nursing every 1.5 hours will do that to ya. Yes, he nurses every hour and a half, round-the-clock. And yes, it is exhausting. And, there are many many times I groan in frustration because I would like just a little bit of sleep. In the middle of the worst nights, I’ve cried out to God and begged him to make my son sleep better. Please, oh please.

And it is in those darkest nights, where, if I shut my mouth and open my ears, God whispers to me. “It won’t be like this forever. This son I’ve given you is a blessing in every way. Enjoy this time with him. I am here.” And my heart knows He is right. Cam won’t be little forever. And this is a time I didn’t get with my girls, because they were much better sleepers, and slept through the night earlier than most.

No matter how little sleep he and I get, after Cam’s morning nursing, he opens his eyes and looks right at me. And gives me a grin that never fails to melt my heart. I will never tire of seeing his face light up when he sees me.

This weekend, Cam has been sick. He has an awful mucous-y cough that is causing him to choke. Plus, he is teething, so he’s choking on excess drool as well. He hasn’t been nursing as often. He hasn’t wanted to be held. He would rather fuss himself to sleep in his elevated bed than have me rock him.

It has been hard. I discovered that even though this 20 lb. baby isn’t easy to carry around, it is harder for me to let him comfort himself than to be his comforter. Cam has always insisted on being nursed to sleep and then held for awhile.

He slept better on Saturday night – while sick – than he has since he was born. (No, I’m not kidding!) He slept all Sunday morning, as well, only waking once to nurse (and he kept it down!) and let me change his diaper before he was ready to sleep some more.

I’ve barely left his side, although I do confess to spending some time folding my mountain of laundry.

And before you think I’m a nervous mom (you know, since I seem to cater to his every whim), I’m not. Cam’s neediness is just my new normal. And I’m okay with that.