I have always struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. I am also pretty sure I have OCD (sometimes this is a good thing, and other times, not so much).
Lately the panic attacks have been much more frequent, and I’ve been practically bathing in Stress Away. I’m not kidding. I have my roll-on with me at all times and slather it on my chest where it seems a brick has taken up residence. I’ve prayed, but I couldn’t seem to articulate what I needed. I know at times that’s okay, because the Lord knows what we can’t say, but at the same time, I needed to get through this and find some resolution. Words are important this time.
A few personal things have come up and this morning they slammed into me like a ton of bricks (my dad is a bricklayer… I like bricks, okay?). I felt this incredible urge to give everything to the Lord.
Y’all. This is hard for me. I’m a control freak and I do not like to admit weakness. I can do it all, if I just keep going.
I couldn’t go anymore.
My kitchen floor is filthy. No. It really is. Shane swept for me last night, but I do not know when the last time the floor was mopped. I’m not exaggerating. Normally, I would have just ignored the urge to fall on my face, especially on a nasty floor before I was going out. Who has time to redo makeup and hair? What if I cry and smudge my mascara? I’m vain (and busy!) and I can admit it.
I’m also overwhelmed with emotions. Fear. Worry. Discouragement. Doubt. They’ve all taken up residence and aren’t wanting to move on anytime soon.
Facedown on my sticky kitchen floor, I gave it all to God. I told him what I needed and interceded for those who are on my heart right now.
Abby Grace walked in, and I just told her to hang on without lifting my head. I didn’t want to upset her, since I was laying on the floor and she could not see my face. When I was finished praying, I explained that sometimes you just have to get on your face for God. The poor kid didn’t really know what to say, as she doesn’t see her momma give it up very often. Shame on me.
You know what? My eyeliner smudged a little, but I just laughed. Many other times, it would be another thing to do in my already full day, but I just wiped the tears from my eyes, repaired the bit of damage, and let it go.
The brick in my chest isn’t completely gone, but the heavy weight of it is dissipating. My conscience is lighter and my thoughts are clearer. I have given it up – today; tomorrow, I will have to give it up again, just because one of my flaws and struggles is obsessing and over-analyzing.
A song has been rolling through my head for the last several days, even before we sang it in church on Sunday. Today, it has become my theme, my anchor.
Cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed
When others say I’ll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
Greater is the ONE living inside of me, than he who is living in the world.